The Rules of Pranking
by HeadGirl91
Summary: It's the Marauders seventh year, and they've decided that the're going to make their mark on the school. All bets are off, the rules go out the window and absurdity looms closer.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

**Warnings: **Mentions of Slash. Light Adult language.

**Pairings: **James/Lily, Sirius/Remus

**Notes: **DH Compliant. This is the version with all-new easier format and Rule numbers in accordance with my finished list of rules. I am sorry if this confuses anyone, but this way, I may just actual finish this fic!

* * *

**The Rules Of Pranking**

* * *

**Prologue**

**Rules are for following, not for breaking**

* * *

**Key for notes**

**Prongs**

**_Padfoot_**

_Moony_

Wormtail

* * *

_Notes Passed During Transfiguration_

**I can't believe we're in seventh year!**

_I know. We have to do our NEWTs this year!_

**Moony! Only you could bring up exams during the first lesson of the year!**

**_What are you on about then?_**

**This is our last year, guys. This is our last chance to do something really memorable! Something that will mean the school will never forget us!**

A bit dramatic, don't you think?

**Urgh! Please remove the rat from my sight! He's interrupting my mantra!**

**_I agree with you, Prongs. This is our last chance to leave our mark on the school._**

_I'm in... As long as you don't mean 'mark' in a literal way._

**Are you agreeing?**

_I suppose so._

**_Yippee!_**

_Quick! Hide the notes. McGonagall's coming over!_

XXX

_Notes passed during Charms_

_So, what is this plan, anyway?_

**Plan?**

_You have no PLAN???_

**I hadn't thought that far ahead!**

**I _have a plan!_**

_Sirius??? YOU have a plan? The world is going to end._

**_:P Sod off._**

**What is this amazing plan?**

**_We pull as many pranks as humanly possible...Disregarding all our rules._**

We have rules???

_WHAT??? But Padfoot! I thought we agreed back in first year! Our rules are necessary!_

Hello??? RULES??? We have rules??? Why don't you guys tell me these things???

**_I think you were eating at the time._**

Oh. That explains it.

_Hello??? RULES!!! We need the rules!!! Society crumbles without rules!!!_

**Well, we aren't a society, are we?**

_..._

**Hah! I'm right!**

**_No, mate. I think Moony's just fed up trying to get it through your thick skull._**

**Ah, well. Want to think up our first prank of the school year?**

**_Hell yeah!_**


	2. Number 25

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Number 25 – Pranking McGonagall is like signing your own death warrant**

* * *

"Moony! Stop fidgeting!" James whispered at the squirming werewolf.

"How can you be so calm?" Remus agonised. "When you think what we're about to do?!"

James shrugged. "It's like a gift."

Sirius turned to the pair. "Besides, we've been very careful. There is no chance in hell she'll know it was us!"

Remus looked from James to Sirius. Both were looking at him with earnest expressions. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Okay." He sighed.

James and Sirius's expressions changed in an instant to the evil expressions they usually wore before the execution of a particularly good prank.

"Right." James said efficiently. "All we're waiting for now, is for Wormtail to come back."

Sirius looked anxious. "Do you think he did it?"

No sooner had Sirius said this, when a rat scurried by them and into one of the toilet stalls. Moments later, an extremely nervous-looking Peter Pettigrew exited the stall to join his friends near the sinks.

"Did you do it?" Asked Sirius eagerly.

Peter nodded. "I was nearly caught by Fawkes, though. Lucky for me it's a burning day."

"Oh yeah," Said James, guiltily. "I'd forgotten about Fawkes."

Remus glared at him. _"You sent Peter to Dumbledore's office in rat form and forgot about Fawkes!" _Screamed the angry werewolf. "You know Fawkes can't stand him." James and Sirius both looked at the floor and mumbled incoherently. Remus sighed. "Lets get to Transfiguration. We'll talk about this later."

XXX

It was halfway through Transfiguration before anything happened.

The seventh year class were working on human transfigurations and were making notes on the subject. McGonagall suddenly stopped in mid-flow, startled at seeing the headmaster enter her classroom.

"Albus?" She asked. "What's wrong?"

The Headmaster walked past the students' desks until he was stood in front of the Transfiguration professor. James and Sirius's grins grew wider with each step the wizard took. Peter was quivering with anticipation. Even Remus had to admit, he was looking forward to seeing how this would turn out.

By this time, Dumbledore had knelt down in front of McGonagall and was looking up at her, the adoration showing plain on his face. "Minerva." He told her. "I love you."

The class was deadly silent. McGonagall seemed to have frozen. The Marauders were all trying to control their mirth.

The Marauders found it even harder to contain their laughter when Dumbledore got down on one knee in front of McGonagall. "Minerva McGonagall!" He declared, dramatically. "You are the love of my life! My hearts one desire! Will you be mine?"

The students were all trying to stifle laughter now. Sirius and James were laughing so hard they were clinging to each other for support.

McGonagall blinked. "Albus... I-I don't-"

"My dear Minerva! Will you be mine?" Dumbledore repeated, with even more 'oomph'.

Nobody was even trying to hold in their laughter anymore. The Gryffindors were howling, tears in their eyes; the Hufflepuffs were wetting themselves; the Ravenclaws had their faces hidden behind their books; the Slytherins couldn't stop chuckling.

"Please Minerva!" Dumbledore pleaded. "Tell me what it is that I can do to win your heart!"

"Buy her cat food!" Sirius whispered to James.

James snorted. "Or a squeaky toy!" The pair broke out into renewed giggles.

"Albus!" Screeched McGonagall. "What's the matter with you?"

"You are!" He declared, dramatically. He waved his arms about madly, causing Peter, who was unfortunately the nearest to him, to be knocked to the floor with a squeak. "I can't get you out of my mind!" Dumbledore continued, ignoring the poor boy he'd just decked. "Please tell me what would make you happy!"

"Go see Poppy!" McGonagall told him, desperately. "Tell her I sent you!"

Albus looked horrified. "Another woman?! Never! I love you Minerva! I refuse to turn to another woman!" This said, he got up from his position on the floor and started to move closer to the poor deputy headmistress.

McGonagall's eyes widened as she automatically stepped back. When she was backed up against her desk, she looked around frantically for an escape route. Seeing her only chance, she transformed into her cat animagus form and shot out of the classroom by running underneath all the desks.

"Wait! Minerva! My love!" Dumbledore cries, legging it out of the door after her.

The laughter of the seventh years grew until they couldn't hear themselves think. When the laughter died down slightly, James and Sirius stood up and bowed to the class.

"Thank you! Once again, your class-time entertainment has been brought to you by the Marauders!"

There was a round of applause from the class. Even some of the Slytherins congratulated them.

When they sat down, they saw Remus wore a pensive expression. He turned to his friends and said seriously "you do know that if she ever finds out you did this, she'll kill you."

James and Sirius' smiles disappeared. Their eyes grew wider. "She wouldn't do that! ... Would she?" Asked James, worriedly.

"I mean, she'd give us detention and take a few house points, right?" Sirius wore the same worried expression as his best friend. "She wouldn't _kill_ us, would she?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Were you watching the same thing that I was? She finds out it was you, she'll have your guts for garters."

"She'll grind our bones to make her bread!" Sirius whimpered, who had heard this phrase in Muggle Studies. It seemed to fit this situation.

James looked at his friends, seriously. "Well. There is only one ting we can do."

"What's that?" Sirius asked, hopefully.

James smiled, cryptically. "Make sure she doesn't find out."


	3. Number 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Number 9 – Moony's 'Furry Little Problem' is not an excuse to get out of Transfiguration**

* * *

"James!" Remus growled. "For Merlin's sake, sit down! You're making me dizzy!"

James paused in his pacing in front of the common room fire for a second, but then just continued it.

"She knows!" James told them, panicking. "She knows it was us! Did you see her at dinner last night? She kept looking at us with that all-knowing glint in her eye."

"We're toast." Sirius nodded solemnly.

Remus sighed. "If we knew you would keep coming out with all these weird muggle phrases, we'd never have let you take Muggle Studies."

Sirius stuck his tongue out, childishly, at his friend.

The four of the walked down to breakfast in silence; James and Sirius, contemplating their untimely deaths; Peter, blissfully ignorant, wondering if there would be bacon for breakfast this morning; Remus, cursing whichever gods decided that he needed friends as wappy as these.

They sat down at the Gryffindor table, next to the seventh-year girls. As James sat next to Lily Evans, she turned around, ready to reject the inevitable proposal… which didn't come.

She looked at James, startled. He had a look of mourning on his face. She looked at Sirius, on his other side, and saw that he was wearing the same one.

"What's up with Potter and Black?" She asked Remus, who was sat across from her, and probably the only Marauder she was likely to get a sensible answer from.

"They're contemplating their untimely deaths, à la McGonagall," he replied.

Lily blinked. "Um…why?"

"Oh, you weren't in Transfiguration yesterday, were you?" Remus realised.

"No, it was my Uncles funeral." She told him.

"That's probably why they did it," he reasoned. "They knew you wouldn't be around to put a stop to it."

"What?" Lily was curious now. "What did they do?"

Remus looked around to make sure that no one was listening in, leant across the table and whispered in Lily's ear, "they laced Dumbledore's lemon drops with love potion."

"_They did what?_" She shrieked.

At her loud exclamation, James turned around and finally noticed the 'love of his life' sat next to him.

"Oh, Evans!" He said pitifully. "Kiss me now! Before I am killed!" He exclaimed dramatically.

Lily grimaced. "Not if this really _were_ your last day on this earth, Potter." She rolled her eyes. "For Merlin's sake! She's not going to kill you!" She looked at them scornfully. "She wouldn't rick Azkaban just for you two!"

"But you don't understand!" Sirius agonised. "She had Dumbledore chasing her around the castle for _three hours!_"

Alice Brown choked on her toast. _"Three hours?!"_

Sirius nodded pitifully. "And now, she is going to kill us in a really gruesome way!"

Marlene McKinnon, on the other side of Alice shrugged. "I don't know," she said dryly, "she might just _avada kedavra _you. Less mess."

Sirius and James whimpered. Remus sighed. "Thanks, Marlie."

She shrugged. "Just trying to help." She went back to buttering her toast.

James turned to Remus. "I'm too young to die!" he wailed. "Irefuse to die before Evans goes out with me!" He said, determinedly.

Remus smiled. "That's it. Think positively."

James nodded, and then turned to Sirius. "And that is why, my dear Moony, Padfoot and I will not be joining you for Transfiguration this morning."

Remus spluttered on his tea, which he had just deemed it safe to drink. "Y-you _what?!"_

Sirius agreed with James. "Yep. We just need a good excuse to get out of lesson!"

All around the, Gryffindors threw in their suggestions.

"Pretend to break your leg!"

"_Really _break your leg!"

"Provoke a Slytherin to hex you!"

"Glue yourself to Filch!"

This lat one came from Peter, who, against all odds, currently had no food in his mouth. As one, the Gryffindors turned to look at him. Peter gave a small "Eep!" and ducked his head.

"Glue ourselves to Filch?" said Sirius, incredulously. "What would _that _do?"

"Well, Filch wouldn't want to sit through a lesson, would he? He'd trail you about the castle looking for something to un-stick you." He said in a small voice.

James and Sirius considered this for a moment, then realised it would entail spending the better part on a day around Filch, and shuddered.

"Any better suggestions?" James asked.

Marlene shrugged. "You could say you've been bitten by something and that you think you've caught some disease. I'll tell her for you if you want." She offered.

James suddenly sat up straighter and looked at Sirius. Sirius caught on immediately. As one, the two marauders, turned to look at Remus, twin grins on their faces.

Remus frowned, then he cottoned on. "NO!"  
_  
"Aww! Moony!" _The boys whined.

"For us! Your bestest pals!" Sirius pouted.

"You don't actually _have_ to-" James reassured.

"-just tell McGonagall that you _think_ you did-"

"-and she'll feel so concerned, that she'll forget about killing us!" They finished, simultaneously.

"Well…" Remus pretended to consider. James and Sirius looked at him hopefully. "…no." He got up and started to walk out of the Great Hall.

It took the boys a few moments to realise that their friend had said no. When they cottoned on, the scrambled up and followed Remus, leaving behind bemused girls, and Peter, who was so bust stuffing his face, he hadn't noticed his friends leave.

"…please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-"

Halfway up the staircase, Remus snapped. "My furry little problem is _not_ an excuse to get out of Transfiguration!"

He continued up the stairs, leaving behind two whinging teens.

"But _Moony…!"_


	4. Number 40 & Number 19

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter Three**

**Number 40 – I am not the bereavement councillor for late pets**

**Number 19 – I will not corrupt the first years**

* * *

Upon entering the common room this particular morning, the Marauders were met with a strange sight. In front of the fire, surrounded by a group of friends, was a sobbing first year girl.

Remus walked up to her, in full prefect mode.

"What's the matter?" he asked. She sobbed louder.

"Her cat just died," one of her friends answered for her.

"Oh," Remus looked sympathetic. Sirius got a gleam in his eye. "How?" Remus asked hesitantly, not liking the gleam in Sirius's eye at all.

"Hagrid just got a puppy," another friend told him.

The Marauders nodded, understanding dawning. Hagrid may be gentle, but his pets sure weren't.

Sirius muscled his way through the group of first years to the crying girl, trampling two of them under his feet, and knocking one unconscious due to excessive use of elbows. He got his friend by the arms and bodily moved him out of the way before Remus could even protest. Remus huffed, looking ruffled.

"I," Sirius declared dramatically, "am Sirius, Gryffindor House's bereavement councillor for late pets." He looked extremely pleased with himself. The Marauders raised their eyebrows in amazement.

One first year boy frowned at him. "Oh yeah? What makes you qualified, then?"

Sirius looked offended, and then put on a sorrowful face. "I recently lost my mother."

The girls all _awed _and looked sympathetic. "How?" one asked.

"By running as fast as possible in the opposite direction," James muttered. Remus and Peter sniggered.

Sirius ignored them. "She was poisoned," he said dramatically.

"He wishes," Remus snorted under his breath.

"He's probably planning it," James murmured.

Sirius glared at them, and then went on speaking to the girls. "I know all about the grieving process! Ask me anything! I'm a mine of information!"

The girl who had asked how Sirius lost his mother spoke. "Should we let her cry, or should we cheer her up?"

Sirius tilted his head. "How would you cheer her up?" he asked, as if it were some kind of test.

The girl shrugged. "I don't know. I'd probably play a prank on that Slytherin that keeps picking on her. That would cheer her up!"

Sirius's eyes widened and the other Marauders all looked interested.

"What's your name, tiny firstie?" asked Sirius.

"Kelsie Quirke," she answered.

"Well, little Kelsie... How much do you know about pranks?"

Kelsie shrugged. "A fair bit. I have five older brothers. It is how I get them to do whatever Dayna and I want."

"Dayna?" he asked.

"My twin sister," she replied. "The one that's crying."

"Oh." Sirius seemed to have forgotten all about the twin without a cat. He was now fully focused on the twin who liked to prank. "Well little Kelsie, come with us and we'll perfect your pranking skills."

Her eyes widened. "You would do that?"

Sirius nodded. "You are the next generation of pranksters for this school. We need someone to pass all our knowledge on to. Right, guys?" He turned to his friends. Peter and James nodded solemnly.

Remus looked less convinced. "I don't know, Padfoot. An innocent first year...?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on Moony! Put your prefect badge away for a moment and join in with the knowledge sharing!"

Remus hesitated a second longer, before nodding.

As they walked towards the portrait hole, the five of them heard a voice behind them.

"Potter! Black! Lupin! Pettigrew! You had better not be corrupting the first years!"

They didn't even turn around. The four marauders just chimed, innocently and perfectly in time with each other, "Of course not, Lily!" and continued out of the portrait hole without pause.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'll believe _that_ when I see it_._" She then turned to comfort the sad twin, grumbling about idiotic boys and naive first years.


	5. Number 12

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

**Number 12 – I will not discuss Padfoot and Moony's 'alone time'.**

* * *

James collapsed to the floor in exhaustion. Remus looked up from the book he was reading and watched as Sirius paced the ground in front of the Quidditch stands, where Remus was sitting with Peter and Kelsie.

"That went... well," Sirius said slowly. "I mean, it wasn't really _that_ bad."

Kelsie and Peter both nodded encouragingly but Remus couldn't help it, he snorted. Sirius turned to look at him, eyes narrowed dangerously. "Yes, Moony? Have you got something to say?"

Moony shook his head. "Erm no, Pads. I thought you were great," he lied.

"Really?" Sirius asked, disbelievingly. "Then what was the best part?"

"The – um – the part where you – um-"-_finished, _Remus said silently. Remus racked his brain, trying to find a less dangerous train of thought. While he was doing this, his mouth seemed to answer for him. "The part where you kicked the Quaffle through your own goals."

Remus could see James banging his head repeatedly against the floor. Sirius's eyes had narrowed to the point where they only looked like slits.

"I _knew_ it!" he hissed. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist bringing that up!"

"You're just-"

"You love to point out whenever I do something wrong!"

"Well..." Remus tried to soothe him. "You're not really-"

"Well, what do _you_ propose we do, oh mighty Quidditch expert?!"

"Take up knitting!" Remus burst out, totally unintentionally, totally true.

Poor Kelsie was in stitches, fist stuffed in her mouth to prevent the sound from escaping. Peter had been following the verbal war like a tennis match and now shook his head slightly to try to relieve the dizziness. James had his eyes screwed up and he was muttering under his breath. Remus and Sirius continued to glare at each other, neither speaking.

Finally, James looked up at what was happening with the rest of them. He stood up and walked over to Peter and Kelsie.

"Come on you two," he urged. "Let's leave these two alone for a while."

Kelsie looked confused and concerned. "In the state they're in now?" she asked. "But they'll probably kill each other."

James hesitated and thought of the best way to phrase what he had to say as he slowly guided them both away from the two teens.

"Let's just say that the two of them are friendlier than they let on and they enjoy the... making up part of their arguments."

Kelsie still looked confused. Sirius looked away from Remus for long enough to speak. "In other words, I like to get Remus riled up and then I let him shag me silly."

"Padfoot!" James exclaimed. "Innocent ears!" Remus bashed Sirius over the head with his book fondly.

Kelsie, who now looked a lot less confused, squawked indignantly. "Hey! -"

"I meant Peter," James soothed the first year.

Kelsie turned to look at Peter, who seemed to be staring into space. Well, either that or he was pondering the mysteries of the universe.

Yeah, let's just go with staring into space.

He looked around when he felt eyes on him. "What?"


	6. Numbers 29, 30 & 31

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, who belongs to JK Rowling. I also do not own the Knights Who Say 'Ni' or the Ministry of Silly Walks, who belong to the Monty Python lot.

**Notes:** 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' (1969) and 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' (1975) are both before the time frame of this story. I checked. I would also like to mention that I think Monty Python is comedy genius at its best. Thanks XD

* * *

**Chapter Five**

**Number 29: I will not convince the suits of armour that they are the Knights Who Say 'Ni'**

**Number 30: I will not set up Hogwarts' own 'Ministry of Silly Walks'**

**Number 31: I will convince the Muggle Studies teacher why it was a bad idea to introduce Padfoot to Monty Python.**

* * *

James and Remus were desperately searching for Sirius one Saturday afternoon. James had finally convinced Remus to help them with their Defence homework, but they couldn't find Sirius anywhere. For that matter, Peter was missing too. Though they probably figured that Peter had nipped down to the kitchens for his post-lunch snack.

They finally found Sirius in the Charms corridor. He was arguing with the suits of armour, with Kelsie staring at him incredulously, when James and Remus walked up.

"For the last time!" Sirius sounded exasperated. "It's not that hard. Say it with me... 'Ni!'"

The suit of armour shook a little, which creaked, but otherwise made no noise.

"Ni! Ni! Ni!" Sirius cried, trying to encourage the other suits of armour in the corridor.

"Padfoot?" asked Remus, concerned. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?"

Sirius spun around, and looked delighted at the sight of his friends. "Yay! You can help me! Kelsie just doesn't understand the comedic genius that is Monty Python!"

Remus, whose mum was a half blood, realised what was going on and raised his eyes to the heavens, praying for strength.

"Monty Python?" James frowned. "The name sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn't he a Potions Master?"

Sirius looked close to tears. "...Potions Master?! I am surrounded by fools!" he cried. "Monty Python was a Muggle comedy group that both wrote and performed what is possibly _the_ best comedy sketch show of all time!"

James looked even more confused than before. Remus rolled his eyes and whispered in James's ear. James listened and then turned to Sirius.

"Muggle Studies was a really bad idea," he stated.

Sirius eyes widened and he whined. "But I love Muggle Studies! It's my favourite subject!"

"We know you love it Padfoot," Remus said patiently. "We just don't think it's appropriate for you to go obsess over all these Muggle things."

"What were you trying to do, anyway?" James asked.

"I was trying to convince the suits of armour that they are the Knights who say Ni. I thought it might give Filch a fright." Sirius sighed dramatically. He pretended to wipe away a tear. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be." He sniffed, theatrically.

James, Remus and Kelsie rolled their eyes as one.

"Come on, Padfoot," Remus coaxed. "We're going to have a nice little talk with the Muggle Studies Professor."

Sirius looked as if he was going to protest, but seeing the look on his friends' faces, he gave in.

They started walking down the hall, but stopped quickly when Kelsie cried out in pain. Sirius's leg had come up in a kick and his shoe had caught Kelsie on the back of the leg.

"I'm sorry Kelsie," Sirius apologised. "I think my silly walk is getting a bit too silly."

"Silly walk?" Remus looked exasperated as he made sure Kelsie was okay. "What are you talking about Padfoot? Why are you walking funny?"

"Silly," Sirius corrected. "Advertising," he said simply.

The other three waited for him to elaborate. When he didn't, James sighed. "What are you advertising, Pads?"

Sirius smiled and gestured them to follow him.

Sirius walked his silly walk all the down to the Entrance Hall, despite his friends' protests. His silly walk consisted of a normal step forward, a kick, an upper body twist to the right, two backwards hopes and three hops forward.

James, Remus and Kelsie stayed well out of reach, for safety reasons.

When they got to the Entrance Hall, they saw a table set up against the wall. A banner was pinned above it, proclaiming 'The Ministry of Silly Walks." Peter was manning the table and handing applications and leaflets out to interested students. There were several people practicing silly walks up and down the hall. Two second years girls had gotten into an argument over who stole who's half turn jump twist in the development stages.

Remus and James surveyed the spectacle in silence. They then turned to Sirius, who was beaming. They both turned around and headed in the direction of the Muggle Studies classroom. They were going to have a very long talk with the Professor about putting ideas into students' minds.

XXX

A few floors up and a couple of corridor's across, there was a lot of thought occurring. Anyone who happened to walk down the corridor would say that they could almost hear the cogs turning.

After a while there was a creak and some slight rattling as some thought slid into place and, in an otherwise empty corridor, a suit of armour suddenly became more cultured.

"Ni."


End file.
